June: Presenting: “Rafaela” (2024) B/W Film

Rick: Who are you really, and what were you before? What did you do and what did you think, huh?

Ilsa: We said no questions.

Rick: ...Here's looking at you, kid.

Casablanca (1942)

This body has lived through so many lives. There were the days of sitting in awe in front of my many classic cinema and cinema history coffee table books. I spent years filling my eyes with silent films, screwball comedies, and classic romances- all the classics! Memorized scenes from The Philadelphia Story, Casablanca, His Girl Friday, The Awful Truth, Sabrina, and a plethora more.

Black and white cinema hypnotized me! 

Yet in my life lately so much effort has been made to make it all brighter, lighter, and technicolor, leaving no room for shadows or shades. I am type A, try hard when it comes to healing, therapy, yoga, and well, overall wellness. I am in a constant rush to be better, fixing the frayed edges all the time. It’s not an effort to be perfect or to hide exactly, I’m in a rush to get better, because I’d like to one day not be healing.  

It wasn’t until I was slammed with emotional fatigue from all the rushing, that this question occurred to me. When will I stop fixing?

So I tried to give healing a break. 

What if I allowed there to be more dark around my light? What if all the sanitized mingled with some dust?

You work so hard to undo, to get to a place where you can settle in, not understanding that you arrived at that sweet spot a while ago. I was the version of myself that I've been waiting for. This person in the works, carrying all my contrasts is the one. 

Perhaps I resist the rush and I paint myself like Audrey, Katherine, Irene, Ingrid, and Rosalind to play along in my black and white film. 

A scene filled with lights is only blinding, bringing in the dark is the necessary way to build a strong story and ultimately be whole. 

I will continue to learn of course and ~heal~. But, slowly beginning to rest with this version of me instead of forcing growth is feeling a lot nicer. 

We’re all starlets even through the edits.